An ode to your love

After 10+ years of rather “rough seas” in the realm of dating, romance & love, to move with a sailing metaphor, you came into my life.

To be fair you’d technically been in my life for quite some time, but with a 9 year age gap and our community of folk lovers being broad and loving we’d never actually conversed. I knew who you were, knew your family, but had never spoken to the boy who smiled when he sang.

The pull to you was not instant, like it often is for me. It was subtle, unassuming, even confusing to me. And also not at all. This sweet fellow who loved folk music as much as I did (sorry, more) whose heart was soft & welcoming, who was so familiar and unknown…

Once it was decided, after a series of bush dances, that we were attracted to each other, that was kind of it. There were no games, no days of waiting to text, no question that we were embarking on a relationship.

I was elated. A little wary of the 9 years I had on you, those first few weeks it bothered me, very little bothered you. You’re not one for bothering. It’s one of your great strengths. So accustomed was I to tempering my emotions, to playing down my feelings, worried that I would scare off a man who wasn’t willing to be with me in all of life’s mess. Afraid of his feelings let alone mine. There was no scaring you, and this time I didn’t try.

The pandemic arrived, the unknown, even now with all we know its hard to look back to who we were and what life was. For it marked such grand change for all of us, and even without a pandemic huge changes for me by moving out of the city to your part of “town” amongst trees and by the river. The land that had held you for years, formed you. That felt like home the moment I opened my eyes that first morning in your cabin.

The great locking down brought a gift & a challenge. You would not be moving to Sweden for a year afterall. And your grandfather would be moving in with your family. To be safe, your family would not be interacting with anyone. This included me. We could meet for walks, but we could not touch. Even as I write this my stomach drops and sadness descends. 

There aren’t any more words for that time.

In fact my memory is blurry. Was it the love, was it the pandemic. Just as you had been formed by the beautiful birrarung, our relationship became formed by covid. By lockdown, after lockdown. At least we were able to touch after a few months. So my world was my home, and your home. The trials of 5 humans together, and the haven of your family. We all did the best we could.

For 2 years you have been the tree. Constant, grounded, unshakeable (you’re a very strong tree). For 2 years being with you has been easy and ever so safe. Through grief I felt something in me however that was saying our time was no more. It wasn’t easy to listen or to share. How could that be? There was nothing wrong with us. Any disagreements were always resolved lovingly. We cared for one another, we laughed together, we loved the same things….

Just because nothing is wrong doesn’t mean it’s right.

Still I didn’t feel ready to release our love. So we drove to the desert for a holiday. I had just lost a friend to suicide, an aunt, an elder and both of us a duck. You knew the desert. I was yet to but my soul was calling for it. Two weeks became 6 months when Melbourne’s lockdown returned. For 6 months we shared a home, lived together, built community, explored all that that land and place offers. And all as easeful as our relationship in Melbourne. But I was holding something. We were both holding something back. Acknowledging that we were also holding onto something that had an “expiry”. 

Still we chose it. 

We chose those 6 months in the desert.

To be our long farewell.

And we continued on. Slowly unraveling. Slowly separating. We were lucky. There has been zero ill will, zero toxicity, zero blame. 

Just love, just care, just sadness.

Our ending in itself feels like an ode to our love. In its calm, steady, generous way.

Gathering under the pine tree by the dam at my new home we drank cacao together, we pulled a card, we shared what we’ve received & what we appreciate in and from the other. 

We cried. 

We hugged. 

We celebrated what we shared in a way that it deserved.

The imprint of love you have gifted me goes beyond anything I can express in words. Even I do not know the extent with which loving you and being loved by you has healed parts of me. To be held by your unconditional love day in, day out has been a gift that is beyond measure.

Thank you.